Need a break.
I was so busy at the previous few weeks. If you ask me how I am doing right now, you will not get an answer since I was so confused about everything.
Most of the time, you are the only one that understands yourself, others even your family members may support you no matter what happens but they surely cannot understand your situation, even if they pretend they do and try to help you out. But they can not.
Thanks God! After three years of not being into the sea, Christmas is coming so I can take few days off and take my Ernu for few beach walks and most importantly really think about what do I want in terms of doing a PhD part-time or full-time.
It may look like a very simple question to you but as a person like me luck is the least thing I can think about in 2016. I tried very hard to get well prepared either for study or for life and work, but I failed most of the important ones or the ones I care the most. It all ends up with lots of self-doubts.
Did I make the wrong decision? Maybe I just do not fit into the whole PhD thing? The truth is that I am enjoying doing a PhD. This is all I need to keep everything up.
Things are rather harder for me in the second half of the year. All these doubts and confusions crashed me every day. Even if I am still doing the best I can do, my heart is so tired. I was so looking forward to my long breaks so that I could live a different life.
I still love doing a PhD, but I want a break so badly and want to just be myself for few months without these responsibilities. For a 24-year-old, having fun and travelling around, do not worry about money and relationship is the best form of life. and I did not think I am any of that yet.
I worried about making money, having better publications, building networks, taking care of family, doing daily exercise and making everyone happy the most of time. So, what? ‘Everyday’ to me is just a scheduled day.
From 21 to 24, these three years I cannot feel myself in a right way. Yes, I become a better person in every aspect you can think about.
I did modelling, pole dancing, researching, networking, working with IELTS test day supervisor, managing a counter, rescuing the dog, volunteering at the Zoo and RSPCA, and lots of other things you may consider as a sign of successful human being at my age but I feel so tired.
At this moment, the only thing I knew clearly is that I am doing the right thing. But I cannot feel anything good about it.
I love palaeontology. I am crazy about everything that I can learn from my supervisors and my specimen.
I am keen to learn more skills, upgrade my knowledge level and attend competitions. I am ok with everything, I want to explore and try my best for being a better person. I just cannot feel any more happiness than I used to feel.
I want to buy things without thinking about the money problem. I would rather making some money so I can buy whatever I want.
That does not mean that money is the first priority to me but having a research career in Australia is partially dead for an early vertebrate palaeontologist. What Australia want is lots of money-making or life-saving projects rather than pure science.
That is acceptable since the whole country is out off money and there is none potential for any sort of economic growth. Their GDP went down, their unemployment rate went up. The government is doing stupid things etc.
I still love Canberra. I still love all our family members. I just do not like the way things are connected.
We should end here. I will keep you guys updated after the Christmas break.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Let confusions stay in 2016. Let courage master 2017.